Recently, I've observed that I have lots of clashes with people regarding ideologies. It's strange how every other person's philosophy differ from mine and each of them have some common principles...It feels like its only me who completely differ and almost with everyone! In fact, at times, my thoughts create huge inner clashes as well. I can't seem to understand my own thoughts! They have clearly superseded my understanding. While talking with people, they try to convince me of their views and I do the same as well....but this is common knowledge, every idea must face some initial resistance. People will oppose a thought initially, and then present their own thought, try to prove that its better, and then settle with the better idea.
Its also a fact that people can't bear to hear philosophical stuff from seventeen year olds...and more so if the ideas completely differ! Its true that they have experience on their side, but the youth has the power of perception, which is weaker in the older. Ideas, philosophies and thoughts are things that one discover...they cannot be incorporated into someone's mind solely from an external source. Forcing one's ideas on another is wrong and even I'm guilty of that sin.
Coming to the inner clashes regarding my thoughts, recently I feel like I've lost the ability of decision making. My belief that tells me that there is nothing that can judge what is right and what is wrong, has made me lose faith in most human judgments. I no longer understand my mind...and sometimes there's this feeling that it has lost its romanticism...which makes things a bit bland, but also interesting in a different perspective.
Realizing that so many questions of mine will remain unanswered till the last moment, makes me suffocate inside my own body. I'll never know what are the ultimate answers or even the ultimate questions. Everything I see, makes me think about the real significance of that very object, the significance of my very being and everything that's around...but there ain't no significance...right? Things are there just because they are there...but just maybe.
Previously, I also mentioned 'death' in an article...and why death doesn't exist. Its just a transition from one form to another. This might sound spiritual but its something quite different. However, in spite of all these philosophies and mental support from my own brain, a part of me has started fearing death. Well, not even a quarter of my life is over and I already feel that my time is limited. In fact, my mind has literally inflicted tortures on me by taking me past time to an uncertain future and then back....and all of it felt so real. So real.
Perhaps, I'll never understand my mind which is why I'll never know myself. Oh...just remembered a quote by Rabindranath Tagore..."A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It bleeds the hands that uses it.". No one wants to be the mind which is all logic... its suffocating, its scary and fearful! Sometimes, I feel I've forgotten how to see things the way others do. There's no normalcy anymore.
I've always considered this as a gift...to see things differently. Everyone is gifted with that different pair of eyes which shows a different world...which is why we have a million worlds in one! I still consider this to be a gift. However, the fact that I've not been able to decipher this gift till date, unnerves me a bit...and the possibility that deciphering the meaning may not be possible at all, chills me to the bones.
Accumulating all my experiences, I've realized this one thing- our very own mind humbles us by the power it sustains, much beyond its own understanding...and what makes our mind so special, so different from other creations is the amazing phenomenon- evolution. All of us have evolved from that tiny speck. We are ultimately, a bunch of elements governed by the universe...and I still don't get it - why we call a few objects living and the other ones non-living?! Its not only life that evolves, breathes or grows...everything does...more or less.
Ah! Again I drifted away to another topic...but now do you see the great dilemma?! I don't seem to have the answers to the questions which are taught to infants. At least they know the difference between life and the non-living objects...and I'm still seeking an answer. Things were so much more clearer before, but now they are all jumbled up...Perhaps I've forgotten how to tell reality from illusion.